03 November 2014


Mild version

(Phone rings, I answer): Hello

Unidentified caller: Is this (name goes here)?

Self: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name

Caller: I'm Poor Sumdood who has no morals, with BillCollecting Inc.

Self: Well I hope you find the sonofabitch. He took off a couple months ago and left me here with our 5 kids and 3 Rottweilers, and on top of that I have to feed the Rotties first or they'll eat the children, and SNAP benefits don't cover dogfood so I have to feed them raw meat so the children don't get any and...

Caller: Hangs up

(Works best if you are in fact a woman or at least can do a credible WhiteTrash FemVoice.)

Over the Top Gay versions are fun, too:

Self: OOOOOH that SCAMP! You just see what happens when he gets home! That BITCH! We traveled all the way to Vermont to have the ceremony so his family could be there, and this is the way he treats me. I should go back to New Orleans (you know I moved there from Boise) but the humidity and the youth gangs, I mean youth is all very well in its place, but...

Caller: Hangs up

Very Dangerous:

Self: No I do not know of the person of whom you are talking about (hand over phone: He has betrayed us! He left his cell phone with GPS! The DHS is closing in! Everybody lock and load! Allahu Snackbar!) I'm sorry, perhaps you have reached a wrong number. (Death to the Infidel), hang up, notify neighbors to evacuate, wait for SWAT team, make home video.

Caller: Hangs up, calls DHS

Come on kids, work up your own, and remember, this could be avoided by saying “Hi, I'm (name goes here) with (Other name goes here).

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