30 June 2014

Houston's a BIG city. (1)

A buddy of mine called me up to get directions from Point A (where he was, about one mile from my palatial abode, roughly two miles from the Astrodome) to Point B (way out in fucking nowhere (Westheimer Rd and the Beltway, about 25 miles straight line). Driving Fred Sanford's truck, without getting on freeways, avoiding traffic, and not passing in front of police substations.

Time to dial in some precision: “So, dood, where perzactly are you?”

“I just passed a Starbucks”. Zero information content. He's on a cell phone, therefore he is within three blocks of a Starbucks. (Axiom. Plot out locations of Starbucks versus cell phone coverage. I dare you. Some Starbucks will have curb service for crack cocaine, some caviar food trucks, just depends on the neighborhood)

“OK, just slide my place and we'll look at a map, and draw it out”. I've found the map (not the good one, but that one's old. 1952), marked origin and destination, optimax solution already drawn with a Hi-Liter.

“No, I wanna take Pissonit (I can never remember how to spell the street)out to the Beltway and then come over on the feeder.” I draw his attention to his skin color (he's a rich mahogany. Me? I'm fishbelly). “That runs you through West University Place and the rich parts of Bella ire. You really want to drive Fred's truck through those? Stops for “Suspicion”? Plus it sends you about 12 miles south of where you're going?”

Phone call one hour later: “Kinda near where I'm going, should be there in thirty minutes or so. Stuck in traffic right now, but I'll be there soon.”

Scarybit: I used to be a Boy Scout. So did my friend. Which one do YOU trust with a map and a compass?

(1) The Houston Metroplex is really fucking huge. Call it about six thousand square miles, bigger than El Lay. Take an arc based in Galveston. Run it East to Baytown, run it South about to Victoria, give it that as a radius. Run it North to Conroe... I underestimated.

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