This Interweb Thing, I think ist is broken

I have a pair of red jeans.  I bought them new/used (original price tags affixed) almost ten years ago.  They still come out of the laurdry hard as rocks.  I've tried acid wash, rock and roll,  and vinagar. .No change. Stiff as a board, fully starched.  Multiple rinsings, beating them against native rocks in harmony with the local women.  Having them used as artillery targets, and replacements for fighter plane fabric

I'm about to think that they are Imp Possessed, and offer them to someone for a price less than I paid. 

I've now tried some 15 search threads.  Most assume that I have a potato in my pants.  My Google Fu is pretty damn strong, but I'm having troubles here.

Turns out that the best bet is alpha amalyse.  Available in liter lots from a dude in furrin parts.  Distilled from 100 per cent. human spit.

Need t get a gig with a retro punk band, for my trouser's sake.  Or maybe not.